Why Do I Feel Like My Therapist Doesn't Get It?
If you’ve ever spent most of a therapy session explaining what an IEP is, or describing what a meltdown actually looks like, or trying to help your therapist understand why your child's diagnosis affects every single part of your life, you already know something important: not all therapy is created equal.
This is not a criticism of therapists who work generically. Many of them are skilled, compassionate, and genuinely helpful to the people they serve. But when you are a parent or caregiver of a neurodivergent child, general competence is often not enough. And understanding why can help you make a better choice for yourself.
What therapy often looks like for parents in this community
Most therapists are trained to work with a wide range of people and concerns including, but not limited to anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions. The tools they use are often evidence-based and effective for many people.
But when a parent of a neurodivergent child walks through the door, something often goes sideways. The therapist may have limited knowledge of what autism, ADHD, or other neurodevelopmental conditions actually look like in daily life. They may not understand the particular kind of grief that comes with a diagnosis, or the hypervigilance that develops from years of advocating for a child in systems that were not designed for them. They may not recognize caregiver burnout for what it is, or understand why your nervous system is in a constant state of activation.
The result is that you can end up spending your sessions educating your therapist rather than healing. You may even leave feeling more exhausted than when you arrived.
What a specialist brings
When you work with a therapist who specializes in supporting parents of neurodivergent children, the dynamic shifts immediately. You do not have to explain the basics. You do not have to justify why this is hard. You do not have to translate your experience into language your therapist can understand.
A specialist comes to the work already knowing the terrain. They understand the emotional complexity of loving a child whose needs are significant and often invisible to the outside world. They understand the particular isolation that comes when your parenting experience doesn't match anyone else's around you. They understand the relationship strain, the sleep deprivation, the career sacrifices, and the grief that doesn't always have a name.
This shared understanding changes what is possible in the room. Instead of spending your energy explaining, you can spend it healing.
What to look for when choosing a therapist
If you are looking for support, here are a few things worth asking about:
Does this therapist have specific experience working with parents or caregivers of neurodivergent children, or do they work broadly with families?
Do they have ongoing training in neurodiversity, not just a general awareness of it?
When you describe your experience in an initial consultation, do they seem to already understand the landscape, or do they need you to explain it?
Trust your instincts in that first conversation. You will be able to feel the difference between a therapist who is learning about your world from you and one who already lives in it professionally.
You deserve a space where you don't have to start from scratch
The work of parenting a neurodivergent child is already demanding enough. Your therapy should be a place where you can put that weight down, not a place where you have to carry it in and unpack it for someone else first.
If you have been in therapy before and left feeling like something was missing, it may not have been therapy itself that wasn't working. It may have been the fit.
You deserve better than that. And it exists.
Dr. Johna Hansen is a New York State licensed clinical social worker and life coach specializing in therapy and coaching for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent children. She sees clients in person in Berlin and online throughout New York and worldwide.
Ready to talk? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation here.